Unbothered and unapologetic

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself having a real emotional break down. For 2 days, I just couldn't seem to get myself together. Now usually, I schedule time for my pity parties. For example, when I'm dealing with a particular issue, I say to myself, "Ok, you've got until 4:00pm to sulk and then you gotta let it go." And typically, I follow the rules. However, on those 2 days, I was completely overwhelmed with emotion and my pity party time limits went straight out the door. On Wednesday night after a long talk with my mentor, I walked into Food Lion to make a small purchase and while checking out, tears were flowing down my cheeks. As much as I tried to hold it in, I could not. I am sure the cashier wanted to address me but probably just didn't know how. There wasn't even one thing that was bothering me. It was this culmination of everything and everyone that hit me all at once. It started with something small... as it always does and spiraled quickly into first world problems. If I'm totally honest, for the purposes of full disclosure, I am still a little bit tender... still reflecting on a few things. Yesterday, I read and reposted a great meme on social media that said, "You only have so much emotional energy each day. Don't fight battles that don't matter." Those words resonated deeply with me. I am the quintessential over-thinker. The way my brain works and analyzes things would blow your whole entire mind. I realize though that I cannot worry about my relationships with other people beyond being me, demonstrating love to those I care dearly for, praying for and encouraging them & being authentic in my interactions. I cannot control whether or not that is reciprocated. I cannot stress about work and things that I cannot fix. I can only do my best and trust God to be my source. I cannot allow the actions or inaction of others to dictate my mood or tempo. I can only control my response. I cannot expend energy to situations that, in the whole scheme of life, simply do not matter. At the end of the day, my blessings outweigh my problems. And when there is a problem, God always comes through right on time. I'm just so tired of allowing everything and everyone to get the best of me when I should be giving the best to myself. Obviously, no one is using their time or energy being concerned about how they treat me so why should I waste my time and energy trying to figure out why they're treating me some type of way? Moving forward, I vow to trust my gut. To accept what God allows. Be brave. Be bold. Stay focused on my personal goals. Speak my truth & don't take any shit... from NOBODY!!! I will keep my chakras aligned, talk to God daily, mind my own business (per usual), drink water and GROW. The people who have genuine love & concern for me and my boys are welcome to share in our lives. Everyone else can kick rocks with open toed shoes! No fake friends. No negative energy. No unnecessary drama. I'm not here for the shade, the shit show or the pissing contests. And know that if anyone comes to me with some B.S., be prepared for an honest conversation on how you got me all the way fucked up because I'm all the way over it. The closer I get to 40, the less I care about other people's feelings as I am becoming more & more aware with each passing day of how little people care about mine. I will continue to love everyone but my time will only be invested in those who also invest time in me. I deserve the same love that I give. I do NOT deserve to be half loved, sometimes loved, or loved at whomever's convenience. I'm not holding on tight to anyone who doesn't want to hold on tight to me. My release game is strong. Sorry not sorry. Welcome to this season of being unbothered and unapologetic... I caution you to watch your step.

Check on Your Strong Friend

Strong friend... is that a real thing? I think that we are all strong in a sense but there are times when we should be allowed to not be so strong. Life can be too much at times. Overwhelming. Complex. Ever changing. Even the smallest things can feel like big things depending on the day. And as a result, I admit... sometimes I get "in my feelings". I am naturally an encourager -- I enjoy being an encourager and take great pride in it. I try to make everyone feel special in some way. I genuinely care about people and what they're going through. I pray for others more than I even pray for myself. When I am going through a difficult time or facing some challenges, most people don't even know. When a friend calls to vent, I listen and respond no less lovingly or concerned than I would if I didn't have my own stuff going on. It matters to me how others feel. It matters to me when my loved ones are sad, hurt, or bothered. If for any reason I am ever the cause of any of those negative feelings, I want to make sure that I somehow make it right. Some people have this impression that I am so calm and relaxed or that things don't bother me and while generally speaking that is true, it is not always the case. Sometimes, I'm falling apart at the seams. Sometimes, I have so much going on in my head and my heart that I honestly cannot function like a normal person. The older I get, the more difficult it becomes to balance life and simultaneously balance my emotions. With that being said, for those who may consider me "the strong friend"... I am but I also have my limits. I have my breaking points. I have meltdowns. So if you see that I am not myself -- maybe I'm cranky, maybe I'm more quiet than usual, maybe I'm not joking and engaging -- whatever I may be that is different from the norm... Please, don't take it personal. Instead, offer me some grace. And maybe even stop to ask, "Are you ok? How can I help?" Please remember that it's important to check in on your strong friend. We don't mind holding others up, whispering prayers, being a listening ear, coming through in any way needed or giving reassurance and support by saying I love you, I'm here for you. But there are times when we need to be held up, prayed for, listened to, came through for, and to be reassured and supported by being told I love you & I'm here for you.

But God...

The other day I wore one of my favorite t-shirts. It says “But God” and references Ephesians 2:4-6. On March 23rd (my dad’s 68th birthday), I experienced a But God moment as I was involved in a minor car accident. The accident could have been major as I was literally seconds and probably an inch away from losing my life -- totally no exaggeration. I only shared this with a few people; not even my own Momma because it really shook me to my core. For about 4-5 days, I hardly talked and couldn’t really eat. The following Tuesday morning, I received a phone call from a dear friend/Mentor/Soror who knew about the accident. She said that I had been so heavy on her heart & she wanted to make sure I was okay. I honestly don’t remember my response but I remember her saying, “Itisha, it was not your time. This should reassure you of God’s presence in your life. He is always with you.” And of course since I was at work with a group of youth 10 feet away from me, I turned my back to them as I felt the tears rolling down my face. So today, exactly 30 days later, I am beyond grateful to wake up for my 39th birthday. God gave me another opportunity to reach my goals, pour into my children, love on the special people in my life, and just be me. I very well could have been sleeping in my grave (as the old folks say)… BUT God. When I look back over these 39 blessed years, I recognize quite a few BUT God moments. Situations when I could have lost my whole entire mind. Situations when I felt like all my joy was gone. Situations that are so super crazy that if I would tell it, most people wouldn’t even believe it could actually be true. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to tell the stories. What I will say though is I thank God for separating me from certain people and removing me from situations that held me in bondage so for everything I lost… thank you for setting me free. March 23, 2018 could have been the end of my dash. As of this moment, and THIS day, I am continuing to live in my dash. April 22, 1979 -- ? That is nobody BUT GOD! So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! And may the good Lord keep on keepin’ me.

Save Yourself

Usually when we see someone drowning it's our natural inclination to try to rescue them. Flailing in the water, screaming, crying... we jump in to grab them before they're swallowed up by the waves and ripples. But have you ever noticed that sometimes people don't really want to be rescued? They'd prefer to stay where they are kicking, screaming and struggling. The closer you get to them, the more unsteady and unbalanced you become. You begin to no longer be able to tread water. All of their splashing covers your clear vision and the loudness of their wailing attempts to drown out God's voice speaking to your life. As harsh as it may sound, before we set out to rescue others, we must first assess the situation to determine the safety risks. We must also acknowledge our own skills and deficits asking "Am I even a good enough swimmer for this?". We must be careful that the hand we grab to pull up doesn't pull us down. Now don't mistake what I'm saying here. I believe in helping others as evident in my current occupation and every day living. However, I have learned that helping others should not come at the expense of myself. Sometimes in certain situations or with certain people, all we can do is stand by and call in reinforcement (God through prayer). Jesus already died on the cross to "save" us. God is the ultimate rescuer. So learn to pray for others and SAVE YOURSELF. No need in 2 people drowning.

Transform Your Pain into Power

Jonah, my littlest one (3 years old) has moderate-severe Eczema which mainly effects his knees, elbows, and ankles. We’ve tried every ointment, both over the counter and prescription as well as oral medications to help relieve some of the pain associated with Eczema. Some work for a while but then it appears that his body adjusts and we are then forced to switch to something different. At times, he will insist on simply scratching, even until it bleeds, instead of allowing us to use creams or ointments. It occurred to me one day when he was resisting treatment that he had become used to the pain. And that troubled me in more ways than one. It prompted me to think about how we get used to the pain in our lives. There are situations that I have found myself in as an adult, although painful, I resisted treatment or resolution. The pain had become so repetitive and so familiar that I could anticipate the onset of it’s arrival. Further, I knew how long it would last and even then I knew approximately how much time would span before the cycle repeated itself. In retrospect, it makes no sense why I allowed the pain but my guess is that #1. Sadly, the pain was familiar and expected and some twisted part of me would rather deal with the devil I knew versus the one I didn’t. #2. There was a part of me that simply did not feel worthy of something better. In my prayers, I realized that what I had been asking God for in regard to the remedy for my pain was not His will for my life. I began to pray differently which allowed me to begin to see things differently. Once my vision was clearer and in alignment with God’s vision for me, I could actually feel myself separating from the pain and allowing healing to take place. I read Matthew 11:28 that says, “If you are tired of carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest”. I had to question myself and ask why the sense of unworthiness? Which lead me to scriptures like Psalm 139:13-14, John 3:16, Jeremiah 29:11, John 15:16, and one of my favorites Luke 12:6-7 which reads, “ Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”. I had to remind myself that I am the daughter of a King which means I AM worthy of all things great & extraordinary. In our most painful and difficult situations, we hold the power to allow pain to either break us or make us. We do not have to become accustomed to pain when God has already given us the remedy through Jesus. Though we may endure for a little while, it is written in Psalm 30:5, “Weeping may endure for a night but rejoicing comes in the morning”. Whether it’s the pain of your physical weight, the pain of an unhealthy relationship, the pain of your financial situation, or the pain of going into a job that you hate every day; please do not become comfortable with and accustomed to your pain. I would much rather accept the pain of attempting change than to suffer the pain of remaining the same. Make your experiences a platform to help others. Share your struggle, share your story with others who may in turn find strength to remove themselves from similar pains. Allow the pain to inspire, motivate, and lead you more into your Divine purpose. I pray today that you recognize your pain as temporary and understand that God’s promises are forever and Amen. Let your pain have purpose. Transform your pain into power. And remember that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

Spring Cleaning

I began Spring cleaning the week of Spring’s arrival. It’s a yearly ritual. I actually do Winter cleaning as well... but you get the picture. I think it’s important to re-evaluate what we have, determine what is truly being used and decide what is no longer needed. It is absolutely a cleansing process, in more ways than one. Right before Spring, I feel myself getting a little anxious because I know that spring cleaning is coming. Even though, in my head, I’m very aware of the benefits of spring cleaning, I have to prepare my mind and emotions for it. There are boxes of the kids’ paperwork to sort through and I can’t save it all so I have to decide what’s most important. Not to mention the cute little clothes that they’ve outgrown. Do I keep certain pieces just to be sentimental or pass them along to someone who can actually use them? And let’s not talk about my clothes... the ones that are too small that I vow to lose weight to fit again someday. See, the anxiety comes from the reality that I have to face of my children growing up too fast and that I may very well never lose the weight :( My first round of Spring cleaning is complete after 3 gigantic garbage bags of clothes and shoes that the boys and I haven’t worn in quite some time. I even went through the boys’ toys, some of my pocketbooks, and random other things around the house that were not being used. It felt freeing to release myself of these items. After it was out of the house, I realized that these things were just taking up space. Now with it all being gone, I can better appreciate what we already have and it doesn’t feel cluttered. If needed or when needed, we will have the space for more or something even better. It’s so important that we do Spring cleaning. And not just of our physical possessions but of all of the things that clutter our lives with negativity. We have to take inventory of the energies that we are receiving from others into our space and into our spirits. Just as there is no real purpose of having 100 pair of jeans, there is no real purpose to have people in our space who do not mean us well. I get it though. Some of us are afraid to open up that box. Because once we start throwing stuff out, we have to actually do something about it. We have to then feel the pain and hurt of our choices, disappointments and failures, as well as directly address the things that others have done to us. We have to acknowledge our role in what we have allowed. We have to work through the anger and move forward in forgiveness and Lord have mercy sometimes forgiveness is so incredibly hard. This is where Spring cleaning becomes therapy. It is our hope that our love will be enough to transform the unhealthy people in our lives but we have to be honest with ourselves knowing that their transformation has to come from someone greater than us. So when we release them, we have to also free ourselves yet remain prayerful that God will do some Spring cleaning within them (Luke 6:28 “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”) May you learn to treasure what you have and allow yourself the opportunity to receive more. May you see the beauty of this special time of cleansing and allow God to rejuvenate your soul and declutter your spirit. May you accept responsibility for your mess and create a healthy lifestyle that frees you from hoarding unnecessary belongings as well as unnecessary stress, anger, bitterness and those things that are not of God. May you find forgiveness in your heart for those who have littered in your life and lift them up in prayer to your Heavenly Father. Be whole knowing that God is all you need; everything else is secondary. And may you truly discover peacefulness in your time of Spring cleaning (“For God is not a God of disorder but of peace” -- 1 Corinthians 14:33).

Pick Your Battles

Jonah, the 2 year old, is very particular about what he wants to wear. This began last year around his 2nd birthday. Jayden was not like this at 2 years old. Whatever I laid out for him to wear, he put it on with no problems. So initially when this began with Jonah, I was like look dude... you’re going to wear what I said wear because I said so and I’m the Mommy. Well, as our struggles with attire grew each day, I began to realize that I was wasting my time and using unnecessary energy to fight a rather silly battle. Most days Jonah wanted to wear shorts with boots or shorts with Elmo slippers. I decided to allow him to do this during the week since he was just going to the sitter. He may not have been matching and he may have looked as if he were dressed for 2-3 different seasons, but the bottom line was he was dressed and we made it out of the house without either of us having a meltdown. I thought about this yesterday as I found myself expending energy and wasting time trying to fight an unnecessary, silly battle. Here I was going back and forth with someone in text messages throughout the entire day about something that ultimately, doesn’t even concern or bother me. I allowed myself to get all worked up, angry and even throwing jabs. For what? So I had to check myself. I had to remember that I already know the real truth that outsiders don’t see or know. I had to remember my bottom line. And I had to go back to what I know that God has already promised me. Exodus 14:14 came to mind... “The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still.” When I love, I love hard. So the same is true when I’m in fight mode... I fight hard. Usually my fight is because of something or someone I love. It’s extremely important for me to get my points across with examples and facts to support it. There is passion in my fight. It used to bother me when I felt like someone was winning or getting over on me. I had to make sure people knew that I knew what they were trying to do by calling them to the carpet so to speak. Then I realized how much more fun and interesting it is for others to think I’m stupid and watch them play themselves. Besides, everything doesn’t require my attention or response. I believe that we escalate situations in our lives when we become all bothered and worked up. As the saying goes, “you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to”. There are so many battles that I could fight but I choose not to because I know without any doubt that I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. So instead I choose to be still, have peace, pick my battles wisely and allow God to fight for me. I encourage each of you to step back and examine the battles you are currently fighting. Ask yourself 1. what exactly are you fighting for 2. who is the battle benefiting and 3. do you trust God enough to step back and allow Him to fight those battles for you? Reduce your stress by re-evaluating what’s really important. Pick your battles, don’t let your battles pick at you. It’s just that simple.